Women: You Can't Live With Them, And

I Caught My Wife In Bed With My Best Friend The Other Day. I Was Crushed. They Could Have Waited Till I'd Got Out.

I Had A Very Close Relationship With Another Kid When I Was Growing Up. I Was His Imaginary Friend.

I Ran Five Miles Today. Then, Finally, I Said, 'here, Lady...take Your Purse.'

Everyone, Everywhere, And All The Time, Used To Laugh At Me When I Was Growing Up. So, When I Was Around 18, I Thought, 'i'll Become A Comedian, And Then If Everyone Laughs At Me, I'll Be Famous.' So I Went On Stage One Night And, For The First Time In My Life, Everyone Stopped Laughing At Me.

The Subconscious Is Like Having A Laboratory Assistant Who Pretends To Love You And Help You, But After You Go Home To Go To Sleep It Goes Back Into The Lab And Starts Fumbling With The Data And Destroying It. It's A Very Tricky Thing. People Think Our Minds Are Us, But That's Not True At All. The Mind Is Not Us.