When You Have A Fat Friend There

To Make A Squirrel Look Less Uptight, Put Tiny Sunglasses On It.

To Get Strangers To Hate You Even Faster, Crank Up The Volume On That Very Interesting Ringtone Of Yours.

There Are Jokes I Know I Want To Tell, And There's Sort Of A Rough Order, But Usually I Try To Change It Up Every Show, To Improvise And Talk With The Audience. I Think When You Tell Jokes, If You're Not Careful, You Can End Up Telling The Whole List Of Jokes And Then That's It. And That Can Get A Little Boring.

I Like To Stand Near Atm Machines, And When Somebody Types In Their Pin Number, I Go, 'got It!' And Then I Run Away.

Why Are There Not Positive Mysteries? It's Always Who Stole The Diamond, Or Who Killed The Butler? How About... Who Made Cookies, Somebody Cleaned My Room.