When I Was Doing Standup, I Always

I'm No Prophet And I'm No Genius, But I Can Only Tell You What I Seem To Know. As A Fan Of Television And The Movies, I Think It's All For The Better.

Did You Ever Notice They Never Take Any Fat Hostages? You Never See A Guy Coming Out Of Lebanon Going: "i Was Held Hostage For Seven Months And I Lost 175 Pounds, I Feel Good And I Look Good And I Learned Self-discipline. That's The Important Thing."

Sometimes I Park In Handicap Spaces While Handicapped People Make Handicapped Faces.

I've Always Had A Thing For Catwoman. Michelle Pfeiffer Or Halle Berry In Tight Leather Pants, With The Boots - I'm Pretty Good With Either One.

Most People Don't Know How Underpaid And Often Ill-equipped Urban Fire Departments Are Across North America.