To Me, Comedy Is A Game.

I Think It's Interesting That Cologne Rhymes With Alone.

I Wanna Put Stickers On Turtles... I Don't Know Why.

I Used To Get Bummed Out When It Rained; Then I Realized That It's God's Way Of Washing Off Hippies.

I Was Seeing This Girl And She Wanted To Get More Serious. But I Wasn't Ready To, I Had Just Gotten Out Of A Difficult Relationship Before That. So I Said To Her, 'listen, You Have To Understand Something. Relationships Are Like Eyebrows. It's Better When There's A Space Between Them.' And That's Coming From A Greek Guy.

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Making A Connection With A Stranger, But Then It Turns Out I'm Not. Like, I Was In A Mall, And I Saw This Lady Hitting Her Kid. So I Went Up To Her, And I Was Like, "yeah, Get Him!" She Got All Mad At Me. I Was Like, "i'm On Your Side Here."