I'm Not A Fan Of Purposely Farting

When I Turned 50, I Looked In The Mirror And I Thought: "hey, This Isn't The Dress Rehearsal, This Is Life And I Don't Know How Much Longer I'm Going To Have!"

Now Every Girl Is Expected To Have: Caucasian Blue Eyes, Full Spanish Lips, A Classic Button Nose, Hairless Asian Skin With A California Tan, A Jamaican Dance Hall Ass, Long Swedish Legs, Small Japanese Feet, The Abs Of A Lesbian Gym Owner, The Hips Of A Nine-year-old Boy, The Arms Of Michelle Obama, And Doll Tits. The Person Closest To Actually Achieving This Look Is Kim Kardashian, Who, As We Know, Was Made By Russian Scientists To Sabotage Our Athletes.

It Is Less Dangerous To Draw A Cartoon Of Allah French-kissing Uncle Sam — Which, Let Me Make It Very Clear, I Have Not Done — Than It Is To Speak Honestly About [working Moms].

Then She Took Out A Speculum The Size Of A Milk Shake Machine. Even Michelle Duggar Would Have Flinched At This Thing, But I Had Never Seen One Before.

We Should Leave People Alone About Their Weight. Being Skinny For A While (provided You Actually Eat Food And Don't Take Pills Or Smoke To Get There) Is A Perfectly Fine Pastime. Everyone Should Try It Once, Like A Super-short Haircut Or Dating A White Guy.