If It's Dirty, It's Not Funny, But

When I Do An Hour-and-a-half Show, If I Don't Improvise 20 Minutes Worth Of New Material Each Night, I Feel I've Let Myself Down.

You Want To Know What Makes Me Tick, I'll Tell You What Makes Me Tick. I Was A Boy Growing Up In Brooklyn; I Read A Two-penny Magazine Called 'the Hawk's Nest.' Nobody Entered That Nest That Didn't Leave A Little Richer And A Little Wiser. And That 11-year-old Boy Said, 'isn't That A Wonderful Thing.' And That's All There Is To It.

I've Had A Good Day When I Don't Fall Out Of The Cart.

I've Had A Few Arguments With People, But I Never Carry A Grudge. You Know Why? While You're Carrying A Grudge, They're Out Dancing.

I Found Out That If You Made People Laugh, They Like You. Most People Got To Like Me Because I Made Them Laugh. When They Didn't, I Hit Them.