I Want To Get A Tattoo Of

Everyone Gets Laid Off And Everyone In Hollywood Gets Unemployment For Six Months While They're Looking For A New Job. So I Would Just Do Stand-up For Six Months And Think I Was Really Making It, And When My Unemployment Ran Out, I Had To Get Another Job Immediately.

2010 Has Been Awesome. I Got To Write On The David Hasselhoff Roast This Summer, And That's Always Been A Dream.

Child Molesters Must All Think They've Got Huge Dicks.

The One Thing I've Found You Really Can't Joke About - And People Think It's Death Or Something - Is Money. No One Thinks It's Funny, Whether You Have It Or You Don't. Money Is Just Something No One Seems To Like Joking About.

I've Got A Long History Of Suicid In My Family; The Good News Is It Skips A Generation, So, If I'm Lucky, My Kids Will Kill Themselves.