I Like Coffee Because It Gives Me

What I Find Most Disturbing About Valentine's Day Is, Look, I Get That You Have To Have A Holiday Of Love, But In The Height Of Flu Season, It Makes No Sense.

If You're Going To Vote For Somebody Because You Think They Have A Great Faith In God, You'd Better Be Sure That God Has Faith In Them.

I Don't Care Who Wins Because I Go To Sporting Events To Scream. It's The One Place On The Planet You Can Shout Anything You Want. You Can Bellow At Will, And Nobody Will Bother You. I Yell Things Like, 'my Life Sucks! Dan Quayle Is A Schmuck! If I Don't Have Sex Soon, I'm Going To Explode!' Parents Turn To Their Kids As I Leave The Stadium And Go, 'hey, There Goes A Great Fan.

Janeane Garofalo Ended Up, In A Sense, Being Pushed By The Media Into Becoming A Pundit.

Donald Trump Came Out As A Birther, Which Is Republican For, 'i'm Running For President.'