I Got An Email From My Ex,

It Seemed Fun To Play A Villain On Stage And I Wanted My Jokes To Be So Good That I Could Just Calmly Tell Them On Stage.

About A Month Ago Some Kids In My Neighborhood Were Playing Hide-and-go-seek And One Of Them Ended Up In An Abandoned Refrigerator. It's All Anybody Talked About For Weeks. I Said, 'who Cares? How Many Kids You Know Get To Die A Winner?

The World Is Full Of Horrible Things.

I'm Trying To Teach My Girlfriend How To Surf. But I Just End Up Yelling At Her The Whole Time. Because I Don't Know How To Surf.

I Know Her In The Biblical Senseand When I Say That, I Mean I Don't Believe A Word She Says.