Christmas Seems To Start Earlier And Earlier

I Was Walking Down Fifth Avenue Today And I Found A Wallet, And I Was Gonna Keep It, Rather Than Return It, But I Thought: Well, If I Lost A Hundred And Fifty Dollars, How Would I Feel? And I Realized I Would Want To Be Taught A Lesson.

I Learned About Sex The Hard Way... From Books.

A Friend Of Mine Gave Me A Philip Glass Record. I Listened To It For Five Hours Before I Realized It Had A Scratch On It.

My Sister Married A German. He Complained He Couldn't Get A Good Bagel Back Home. I Said: 'well, Whose Fault Is That?'

I Don't Know If I Have Sexual Magnetism Or Animal Magnetism, Though Sometimes I'll Find A Squirrel Stuck To My Forehead.