Actually I Walk Around With The Emmy

You Know, When You Do Standup There Are Certain Requirements That You Have To Do Like You Have To Go On Stage And When You Get Introduced You Have To Say "hey,how Ya Doin'? How Are Ya?" I Couldn't Do It. It Was False.

All Of A Sudden I Discovered That I'm Allergic To Caviar. It Was The Perfect Metaphor For My Life. When I Was Only Able To Afford Bad Caviar, I Could Certainly Eat My Fill Of It.

I Think We're All Good And Bad, But Good's Not Funny. Bad Is Funny. Suppress The Good And Let The Bad Out, And Then You Can Be Funny.

I Find Human Contact Repulsive.

I Learned The First Night That Ihop's Not The Place To Order Fish.